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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Member George KellyMale/Philippines Recent Activity
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chopsticked smile…
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saturday…it's already 11:05 in the morning..i have to get up and do something that i must do..something that i would only do for today..to defy my logic and try to see what happens if i allow my heart..just for today…

..my eyes feels heavy but i have to go now..after all, what i had said is what must do or else..i did not slept that much at all thinking about what to do..maybe i was being excited to watch the movie or maybe..nah, i do not want to hope anymore..enough with the none sense..i'll just let it happen the way it should happen..but i came home preparing and still undecided..doubting things that i should do..those right things to do..feeling that there was something wrong about to happen..i hope what i'm gonna do would not lead to myself betrayal..having second thoughts if those actions would lead to pain..but no, i must think positively now..i'm gonna do this only for today…

..so where was i..ah yes..i arrived at the place where i should wait for her..and too early was i that i decided to kill some time..time to remove some stinky doubts and calm myself..and where else would you expect me to go..in a nearby computer shop of course..ok yes i played but i did not play that much like i played like before..i played there actually to..ok let me rephrase myself..i browsed while i manage to do some thinking for an exactly one hour..planning to arrive 15 mins. late with an invigorated spirit..maybe i enjoyed too much that i did not notice that it was already 2:20pm..i am late and that would be unpleasant for her if i would make her wait for me that long..but of course, only a few people know me..i am always the first person to arrive at occasions like this…

..and so i was 20mins. late and she was not there..am i too early..so i waited..after 30mins. still no sign of her..so i went inside the fastfood where we should meet and ordered a rootbeer to quench myself..sat at the near the center table where i could be visibly seen by passerby outside..so i took sip after sip..calculating each passing minute by each of those quenching minutes..my rootbeer was at less than half full..still no sign of her…

..while waiting and scanning each every passerby for more than an hour or so..something caught my eye..i saw her mother passed by..ok so she lives somewhere near the area so it was a no big deal..but her mother passed again..and again..somewhat looking for something..or someone..threading slowly at the busy street..unluckily she caught me looking..paused but she continued her walk..did her mother just saw me..is she looking for her..did she know anything about our meeting place..now i am getting worried for her..what could have happened..i finished my rootbeer..and realized that it was already empty 15mins. ago..so i went outside the fastfood and try to wait some more..will she come…

..i just wished that everything would be alright..that she would be ok coz..yes, i walked her home late last night..i still can't understand her peculiar smile while she looked at me..what does she want to say to me..i can choose to walk away anytime anyway..after all she has a boyfriend and what i am to her..i mean what i'm doing now is just..uhmm..an act of kindness..just want to know her more..up close perhaps..ok not that close coz i don't want to betray myself..coz i still have that promise to keep..still hoping that day would come…

..so i wished that she would not come today and have forgotten our meeting..so everything would end as always..after all i'm already immune to such treatment..now i ponder on what would i do if she did not show up..ah, as usual i would the rest of the day online..try to forget what had happened and to move on with my usual online life..that is so regularly me..grinning to myself thinking of those precious exp..until it suddenly crumbles away..she came..is it really her..am i hallucinating..what time is it anyway..oh my, it was really her in the flesh..standing there by the corner looking at something..for someone inside..i did not move trying to figure whom it was..seeing the worry in her face..she did not notice me from my position..almost in front of her..is she looking for me..and by the time she found i wore my grin on my face..she faced me with that peculiar worried smile..her face saying sorry while she continued to apologize with her alibis..its fine i said, at least she came..i wished she did not..but i waited there for more than two hours or so..would i waste the moment…

..so we hurriedly try to find an fx to avoid the traffic and precious time wasted ..so this is it, no chicken running away..after all she did came even though late and i being the one stupid patiently waited..there would be no escape out of this and no effort to be wasted..so i will play the usual kuya role but carefully trying to avoid being close..anyway i will only do this just this day..no harm done out of kindness, right?…

..on the way, she let me listen to her favorite music on her mp3 while we talk our usual talk..everytime i looked at her eyes she always does this peculiar smile..and before i got more charmed by those smiles we arrive at our destination..she kept teasing me about how excited i was to watch the movie..but she did not know that i was tensed because of her..i am battling with myself from the inside..trying to repress that emotion and rationally acting the way i must respond and react with her..just think of a robot being controlled by two opposing sides…

..i bought our ticket and even though she insisted on paying..i offered my generously stupid self and reasoned her out that this was my treat for her..for the hard work i saw in her and her willingness to learn and try..anyway this is also my treat because she knows i'm gonna leave the shop and maybe not gonna see her anymore..anyway i said and reasoned out to her that this was her rest day and all she's gonna do was to relax and enjoy the movie..if she wanted to pay me the favor back then all i request that she must perform well at her work and fulfill her dreams…

..we had 30mins. to wait before the movie starts so we strolled for a while..i tried to know her likes while walked and looked at the displays on the mall..i even bought a book a friend asked me too..i asked her if wanted anything before the movie starts..food, snacks, drinks..but she said no wearing that peculiar smile..so not trying to force her anymore if she not want to we went inside, find a nice place to sit, and the movie starts..i was feeling kinda tensed..this was the big screen, a movie that my friends have waited and talked about..and there here i was..with this gal out of the blue..now i need to focus on the movie and try to understand the story as the plot unfolds…

..slowly it felt kinda bit cold..i asked her if she was fine or was she cold because she could borrow my jacket for awhile because i can still manage to bear the cold..but she responded with an "ok lng aq kua" with that peculiar intoxicating smile..and each time my bone chills inch by inch i always check on her if she could still bear with it and took out her jacket and wore it with that peculiar cutesy smile..so i focused myself on the movie while trying to battle myself out…

..but something felt weird or is it the aircon..because somewhere in the middle of the movie i felt like freezing..and even without asking i know she feels it too..so i offered her my jacket..she accepted it because she needs it with her peculiar smile..yes we shared my jacket because i too need my jacket..but the battle within myself was losing..my heart beats as if i had a sugar rush..i got lost in the process and found myself embracing her shivers away from her and nearer unto me..my body was warmed by her fragrance while i shared my warmth with her..i have lost..reminding myself that i'm only gonna do this just for this day..just this cold-movie day..we are not lovers but it felt like it was thanks for the unforgiving cold..i tried to focus my attention to the movie to avoid betraying myself..but i already had..just denying it..and we are like that 'til the end..locked in a warm embrace, cradling her head near my thumping heart…

..the movie ended finding ourselves surprised..quickly withdrawing ourselves from this trickery of circumstance..she insisted that we stay because she wanted to watch again the movie to understand it better..but we cannot stay because it was just a single screened movie..seeing her kinda disappointed i offered her dinner because it was kinda getting late..so went to this japanese restaurant..i asked her what she wanted to eat..she insisted on ice cream..great, so i bought her chocolate mousse because there was no ice cream there…

..time was slow as we talked while we eat..but i noticed she's not touching much of her meal..i don't know if she liked the food or she was on a diet..ok it was my fault because i did not ask..i just insisted..but she said she was full with her peculiar satisfied smile..i understand her because even i was not able to finish my meal..so i just a waiter for a take out on the meal..we talked some more while i continue to finish my meal..i querily asked about her boyfriend and current condition..i don't know why because it was too late for me to realize my stupidity..but i need to know..i have to know for my limitations…

..maybe an hour have passed with our chitchat..so i insisted that we should go home now because it was getting very late specially for he..knowing where she would stay for today..she insisted to carry my jacket and the book that i bought and put it in her bag with her peculiar childish smile..i had no time to refuse because i was still puzzled..still analyzing what had just happened..and worrying about the time she has to be able to come home..so we rode again on an fx through the terminal..i miscalculated the time…

..the ride was smooth without any traffic but i wasn't enough to give us enough time for her to send her home..she was feeling kinda tired and asked me if i was sleepy..i said no because i'm still pondering things that happened..i said to her that she could take a nap and i'll just wake her up when we are somewhere near..so she leaned on my shoulder..still battling with myself out i lost again..i guess i cannot deny myself on what i'm feeling..so i embraced her nearer and cradled her head as she sleeps..i felt her worries..her sadness..wishing that if i could only takes those away from her..my heart beats like a sugar rush while the radio plays a lullaby love song…

..i looked out the window..pondering the consequences of what i have done..i opened my door for her but i just hope she would not enter nor stay there..i am not rightful for her..she's still too young and have hopes and dreams to achieve..and all i want for her was to achieve the best for her..trying to find an answer if i am betraying myself..have i cheated on that promise?..after all the ring is not with me anymore..or maybe without the ring i am more vulnerable to this..and we arrived..waking her up, the ride was not enough for me to ponder about such matters at hand..since it was already late i offered myself to walk her home..i felt her worries as we walked..want to embrace her..but i must not because it might lead to things more worse…

..and i bravely walked her up to their house..she knocked at the door and said to me that she'll just check on her brother..so i waited outside..we are both surprised that her mother was the one who opened the door..waiting for her..they talked and argued..my expectations of her worries..felt guilty about it..it was my fault in the first place that she was getting scolded now..and even if she did not asked her mother's permission about our meeting, it was my responsibility that i should be the asking her mother that permission..my responsibility to take her home earlier than expected..my responsibility to take the scolding away from her and blame me instead..it was my fault because i know the consequences yet i gambled with it..it was in the end my fault..i wish i was the one being scolded..i felt terribly sorry about her…

..i waited while for her..to know if it was gonna be ok..to try to reason it out with her mother..to apologize and accept whatever punishment for her..i don't care whatever happens to me..even if it meant sacrificing myself for her..to protect her with all my heart but i cannot because it would make situation worse..damning myself for knowing the consequences..damning myself being there and could not do nothing…

..and she came out with her brother..handing me my jacket and the book..apologizing..bowing with sadness in her face..the peculiar smile erased..its was not her fault and i wanted to explain but..she just looked at me with her confirming sad face as she went inside..i understood and it couldn't be helped..what happened had happened..i couldn't turn back time..so i apologized to her brother as he closed the door..arguments still heard from inside..arguments from inside myself..blaming myself for what i have done..bringing her this sadness..asking myself what i had i done to make her suffer like this…

..i walked away..bowing with guilt and embarrassed at the stars..i had make a mistake and wished that she was not a part of it..a part of an unexpected circumstance that i failed to deal with..there were no goodbyes nor parting smiles…

..she liked the chopsticks and kept it as a remembrance..that peculiar shy smile..her gentle fragrant warmth..another chance that i have failed..would i close the door again?..i felt myself smile..sad it was that i met her too late..sadder it was that i must go and leave..i wished through the stars that her boyfriend would treat her more than what i've done..that smile never left my face even if i expect a rain to fall…

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--caeli,v.28062009

..in the end there was always a price for that happiness…

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alfaghor
George Kelly
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
Philippines
..as describable as myself...
==========
'..i have a need for other people to like and admire me,
and yet i tend to be critical of myself.
while i have some personality weaknesses
i am generally able to compensate for them.
i have considerable unused capacity
that i have not turned to my advantage.
disciplined and self-controlled on the outside,
but i tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside.
at times i have serious doubts as to whether
i have made the right decision or done the right thing.
i prefer a certain amount of change and variety
and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.
i also pride myself as an independent thinker, and do not
accept others' statements without satisfactory proof.
but i have found it unwise to be too frank
in revealing myself to others.
at times i am extroverted, affable, and sociable,
while at other times i am introverted, wary, and reserved.
because some of my aspirations
tend to be rather unrealistic...
--The Barnum Effect
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:iconalinavgo:
AliNavGo Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013
Thank you so much for the favorite on [link]
I'm really happy that you liked it :hug:
deviantART muro drawing Comment Drawing
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:iconbandofoutsiders3005:
bandofoutsiders3005 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012
No problem
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:iconansuchi:
Ansuchi Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you very much for the :+fav: of [link] ! ^^
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:iconalfaghor:
alfaghor Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
it's a pleasure :D i love the pic
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:iconalfaghor:
alfaghor Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
it's a pleasure, thanks! :)
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